What It Cost to Be Me

⋆⋆ In this post, I share parts of my story that include trauma, abuse, and mental health struggles. If these themes feel tender for you right now, I invite you to read with support or return when it feels right. ⋆⋆

Five Years Ago I Started Over.

I was at the peak of my first major awakening when the life I had built - the one I thought I was supposed to want - collapsed under the weight of my truth.

I was raised in an evangelical household, and it was everything you’d expect or read about: very strict, very controlled, very abusive in ways that are difficult to explain unless you’ve lived it.

And as I grew into adulthood and the memories of the trauma I faced became more blurred, the somatic responses in my body only grew stronger.

I had experienced so much pain. Mental, physical, emotional, sexual, and narcissistic abuse. Stalking, threats, racism, gunpoint, rape, and abortion. But I had survived all of that and I was still pushing forward, trying to make something of myself in spite of feeling all odds were against me.

& I thought I was finally doing everything right.

I’d started to exercise regularly again, eat better, went back to college, lived more mindfully, and even began healing my connection with God after experiencing decades of religious abuse.

But internally I was still struggling because my life wasn’t my own.

It was a fabrication created to uphold a narrative I never consciously agreed to participate in... and the expectation to continue moving forward in spite of it all, because that’s what everyone before me had done, grew heavier each day.

I didn't want the life I was living and, at the time, I didn't know how to start over.

I had committed so much energy into upholding what was. Sacrificed my dreams to carry the family business, beat myself over the head to be the best I could, wherever I could, so I would be accepted - and above all - ignored every sign my body, mind, and soul sent out that told me for years, “You cannot do this.”

Eventually my body felt like it was against me and my nervous system was shot. I was losing vision, and feeling on the entire left side of my body - having palpitations and panic attacks that lasted hours. Then suddenly I was in and out of the ER and various specialist offices trying to find answers to why my body was shutting down.

My doctors couldn’t provide solutions, and every test came back normal. I was at a loss - and when no one could find a physical cause for my distress, I was forced to look at the emotional one.

This is what drove me into real accountability.

Not the kind that painted me as a villain or victim in my own story - but the kind that empowered me to turn toward the root cause of my suffering - denying my truth.

I knew things didn't feel right, and for much of my life I tried to push that down for the greater good. To be the person I was expected to be. But ignoring the problem doesn’t make it go away, and in spite of whatever bull shit people might try to feed us - time does NOT heal all wounds - truth does.

Once I realized that - that’s what I looked for.

More truth, for me and from my reality.

I was insatiable - and through that exploration I found the courage to walk away from that life.

I approached my parents about the memories I had. They didn’t want to take accountability, build a healthier relationship with me, or get to know the real me hidden under the roles they had assigned… So I walked away. Which also meant leaving behind my job with them of 8.5 years, my future and inheritance, moving from the home I rented from family, going to therapy, screaming, crying and journaling - a lot, having more real and uncomfortable conversations, and really, truly standing in my truth and enforcing my boundaries.

After that I had my mind made up, that no matter how hard the road ahead was - I would travel it - because it undoubtably had to be better than anything I’d already experienced.

Now five years later and that life seems like a fever dream. What used to keep me up at night and give me recurring nightmares rarely crosses my mind, and the fear that was instilled in me from childhood - to keep my mouth shut and the narrative up - no longer rules my decision making.

I go for what I want - as me.

I speak my truth.

I say NO.

And I don’t feel bad about choosing only what feels right for me, because I know now that this life is mine alone to live in the way I desire. In a way that brings me joy, peace, and fulfillment. In a way that doesn’t cause harm to others.

Being me cost me temporary comfort.

It cost me sacrificial approval.

It cost me false security.

But it didn’t cost me my truth anymore.

This is why I honor my nervous system and why my boundaries are not negotiable. Because I know what it costs to abandon myself.

And if that makes me “difficult”, “ungrateful”, or “evil” in the eyes of those who benefit from keeping people down -

Im okay with that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0qrinhNnOM